Boardroom In Black

(all cynicism and sarcasm with little humor makes Richard Cerno seem like a bigger asshole then he really is. And thus we find our illustrious protagonist making an earnest plea to a cosmetics company…)

Dear Lush Cosmetics,

Your company, on more than one occasion, has been referred to as a “lifestyle company” – a company who’s marketing and advertising vision sells not a product, but an over-priced vision of your customers to themselves, perfectly packaged in bath bomb form. As a long time veteran in online marketing and advertising, I understand this well. We are all unique snowflakes, just like everybody else, and one can be both edgy and unique when one buys The Designated Product™. Your products are indulgences, and as we all know from history, various organizations in the western world have done quite well for themselves by selling indulgences. I commend you from the bottom of my heart.

Transparent marketing aside, I rather enjoy a number of your products. You see, I have a confession to make….I am a heterosexual, alpha male, bubble bath whore. I love soaking in the tub, listening to Terror Transmission or Underworld Amusements in the background, letting the cares of the day slip away. Sometimes, I listen to big band jazz or 80′s Heavy Metal while savoring the sweet and savory smells your perfumed bath products emit. Sometimes, my bathroom remains silent, with only thoughts of violence to keep me company. What a glorious indulgence a bubble bath is for me! Alas, for all the pleasure I derive from your products, there is one thing that often stands between myself and hot water bliss.

Glitter.

Most of your products contain glitter, and this is simply unacceptable to me. Glitter is useless. Glitter is pointless. Glitter adds nothing to the bath experience. Glitter is not biodegradable, and fucks your whole illusion of enviornmentally friendly products (which is bullshit anyways, but hey, just trying to help…). Glitter is either a shitty movie or the uniform of the stripper, and is rarely more than this. Most men would prefer not to have this useless additive wedged in our nether regions.

I am a Male Bubble Bath Whore, and I am not alone. There are many of us, many men who enjoy a bubble bath. Get rid of the glitter, and you’ll open up a whole new market for yourselves.

Thank you for your time.

Your friend in marketing and advertising,

Richard Cerno